My own sins are haunting me…

Dear God,

Last night I saw him again. I know we shouldn’t be seeing each other and I know you warned me but I still went ahead. There’s something about him. It drives me crazy. It makes me go back for more.

Last night when I set my eyes on him my heart melted. I literally felt my heart melt. I don’t know if its the 6ft muscular package he comes in or the dark chocolate skin you gave him, but it bring tears to my eyes. It makes my heart skip a beat.

When he touches me, the whole world stands still. My head spins round and round until its just me and him in this world. I love him so much Abba I fear my heart would explode. It is driving me crazy.

Sigh.

When he touched me again last night, his palms rubbing my arms after a warm hug that sent lightening to my insides I looked at him and I couldn’t say no.

I know I heard you say go. But I couldn’t go. I couldn’t just go. My feelings were all over the place, my body ached for more, I felt his hands on my back one more time and with my eyes closed, I savored it. Oh. It felt so good. I just couldn’t go.

So last night we did it again. We gave in to our flesh and with reckless abandon we explored our bodies to our wildest imagination. Oh. It felt so good.

I know we promised to stay chaste till after the wedding after our last agreement but Abba it’s so hard. It’s so hard to stay chaste…

But it’s also hard to talk to you now. Every time I open my mouth to pray I remember everything we did.

I opened my mouth to worship today in church and it felt like empty words. I felt naked, like you could see through my facade. I felt ashamed especially when I heard my daddy tell the youths today “fornication will ruin your marriage”. If only he knew his own daughter was a fornicator.

The memories of me screaming “harder!” still lingers in my head. I remember it clearly. How I savored his lips and moved my body to his body’s rhythm.

There’s a voice in my head that haunts me and reminds me of how I disappointed you and how I ruined my own testimony.

I am so tired Abba. I want to pray but my own sins are haunting me….

I should have listened to you when you said Praying against temptation will not substitute fleeing temptation.

I should have listened when you said I should stop visiting him instead of hoping we’ll be both superheroes and not touch each other.

I should have listened when you told me to leave when he first touched me. But instead I said it’s just a kiss.

We started from an harmless kiss now we’re here.

Oh Abba, you constantly tell me you do not condemn but its so hard to believe. I know you say the enemy condemns and you don’t but I still feel condemned.

I know you keep saying “get over it” love does not remember wrongs but I cannot. I don’t know how you just get over our sins. You are so loving and kind. Its hard to believe my sins are forgiven just like that.

But I guess I’ll have to take your word for it. That love remembers no wrongs.

That as much as I fall you’re always willing to snatch me back.

That you have not come to condemn any of us.

That when Jesus said a man that wants to build a house must first count the cost in Luke 14:28-29 he was also talking about how you counted the cost before attempting the sacrifice at the cross.

That the decision to die at the cross wasn’t a reckless decision, you knew all these would probably happen and so you came to die.

That you leave the 99 to seek the 1 which is me.

Abba please just help me to live listening to you henceforth. Help me to have self discipline henceforth. I know that above praying and renewing my mind I also need to learn self discipline.

Help me to have self control henceforth. I know that I have to also learn to out physical barriers as much as I put spiritual barriers.

Help me to flee temptation after praying against temptation.

Give me grace that stays above sin not one that dwells in sin.

I know you do not condemn me. Just help me to remember always that you never condemn me.

Help me to still pray and talk to you when I feel unworthy for I know you never condemn me despite my sins.

-Confessions of a church girl

This fiction was inspired of God to remind us that no matter who you are, where you’ve been or what you’ve done. God is still recklessly in love with you. Staying away won’t help you, that’s the plan of the enemy; to keep you away, but do not give in. No matter how far you’ve gone, home is back in the father’s arms. ❤️

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