I didn’t plan to write to you today.
The feelings are back again.
I know I haven’t written in my journal in a while, lol I’m sorry.
The feelings are back again.
And I don’t want to talk to anyone about it anymore. I want to tell you everything.
It’s another November 7 and I feel like crap again
Lol. I cannot fully comprehend the way this feeling-thing works when my birthday comes. It’s crazy. I cannot even explain how I feel but I’ll try.
So when my birthday starts to approach and when it finally comes, certain things happen. Like a life cycle graph it’s usually in phases.
1. The first stage is the thanksgiving phase. This phase is the phase I take stock of what has happened and what I’ve done in the last 365days and it leaves me so thankful to you. I start to think of the growth level and all I’ve learnt so far. This is my best phase because it leaves me in awe of you. I’m soo grateful that it makes me so excited.
2. This leads to the excitement stage. At this stage. I’m telling everyone I know it’s my birthday. I’m reminding them because I don’t want to hear that they forgot! Lol. I tell everyone basically (even the children I teach at sunday school) This stage sometimes lasts for a while and sometimes doesn’t but it’s usually around a week or two to my birthday and then when its about some days to my birthday I go mute. I think I do this to make people forget so I can be mad at them 😂 (I’m complicated sometimes) Well this leads to the final phase
3. The phase where I feel like CRAP. Like the law of diminishing marginal utility, I reach the climax of the excitement and I start to relapse. It’s usually some hours before November 8. It just happens. I don’t know why. I feel so unloved (despite the flood of msgs I receive) I also feel lonely and alone. I don’t think words can properly justify how I feel, It’s usually emotional, sometimes (mosttimes) I cry. There’s this void. It’s funny.
I’m in that phase right now.
But this year. I’m not crying.
I’m just here wondering why it always happens. This year I even tried to buy things for myself just to be happy because I actually thought I could be happy with these things. But you had other ideas in mind.
You basically ruined all my plans 😂 just to remind me yet again that true joy and happiness comes from you. What a glorious ruin!
The best thing though, is that after these phases comes the happy day. Somehow you just find a way to make November 8 turn out superb. I don’t know how you do it. 🙌
I always ask you every birthday to make me happy and you always come through like bangda… 😂
So this year I’m not asking for happiness (even though I already asked, well I change my mind) this year. I’m asking for joy. I think happiness is actually short term and that’s why I always go back to that place. That unhappy place.
So this year, I declare joy because I’m connected with the source of joy. I am joyful always, In loneliness and in pain. In trials and in tribulations. In mood swings and in period pain. I am joyful.
Issa Birthday 💃💃
Thank you Abba ❤️❤️❤️