Broken: The awakening sleep

A lot of things can make a girl sleep that long, tough and painful sleep, and this particular evening Modele had her own share of that sleep. For her it was a somewhat tired, angry, sad, self aware/self realization, if there was a balance, inspired sleep.  She knew she was tired; people sleep mostly when they’re tired obviously, so when Ruth asked her “were you that tired? You just slept like that for that long” all she said was, yes I was tired.

But a lot of things can make a girl sleep..

She didn’t tell Ruth that of course, she wasn’t ready for all that story telling, she really wasn’t in the mood this night for anything so she let her roommate continue with her movie in peace.

She picked up her phone and switched it on; Her iPhone would have hindered her from having full concentration which is what these kinds of sleep need.

24 messages.

As expected.

Random message.

Random person.

Message from Admirer.

Email from SMEhub.

Job alert from family friend.

Scroll.

Scroll.

Stop.

Ebun: “baby” “hey what’s going on??!” “YOUR PHONE HAS BEEN OFF FOR OVER FIVE HOURS, I hope you’re fine” “I miss you” “I wish I could hear your voice before I sleep”  “goodnight baby”

Typical ebun.

Caring as always.

But Modele was tired.

She finally realized, the sleep made her realize, the sleep helped her realize that this one was no longer an ebun for her.

In the beginning she really thought he was a gift to her from God, because she prayed for this. Him. “Every day I thank God specially that he gave me this gift, my ebun which means my gift.” she told  Ruth and Eno and Debowale and Nkiru and any other person that cared to listen. How funny that sounds now. He was her kind of man. He was everything she wanted, not everything, but almost. He wasn’t a lawyer like she would have loved, but almost counts too.

She dropped her phone after replying some messages and decided to see a movie too on her laptop but instead she decided to write.

 “So 14 days ago, my best friend told me he wanted to propose to his old time school mate and I was confused, I couldn’t comprehend it. He was getting married to who??!

‘we’ve been getting along so well mo!  and you know she’s being my day one crush since secondary school, I really think she’s the one, let me just marry her and get it over and done with jare before they snatch her from me, all these thirsty guys.’ he said laughing because apparently he just cracked a joke.

He even had the guts to call me Mo even as he was attempting to break my heart. I laughed, because it was funny that it was not even funny at all. And I said while laughing, which thinking about it now, was a rather stupid thing to say, ‘I thought we had something, you know, kind of like a relationship’

He laughed again.

Apparently, it was funny too. Funny and stupid.

“Mo you know I would give anything for you to be mine but you are my best friend and I’ll take that over anything in the world, I love you too much to want a relationship from you. Everything about you is precious to me and I’ve always told you I can’t be the kind of man you deserve, you weigh too much to me, I respect that Mo and I want to be best friends forever.”

But you kissed me.

And touched me.

But you called me baby;

And told me sweet somethings

“oh. its fine. Are you minding me? I’m so happy for you, Folarin is a great person, It’s a good choice. Omg! Bestie is getting married!! When are we going ring shopping?!” was all I said.

I wasn’t lying, Folarin is a great person, and it wasn’t her fault I let myself fall even when the signs were clear, even when he told me not to wait for him, told me he doesn’t deserve me, he couldn’t bear the burden of thinking he could hurt me, he was scared one day I would be tired and leave, blah blah, blah. He even told me he was satisfied with knowing I’m always by his side as his best friend forever. Funny, I actually thought that meant we would end up together raising babies and building our empire. I guess I don’t deserve the “let me just marry her and get it over and done with before they snatch her from me” treatment.

There were also times there were positive signals, times I felt like his woman, like when he cuddled up to me and told me never to leave him, or when he looked into my eyes and said I’m so crazy about you, what did you do to me?! or when he said I think you were made for me or when we went boat cruising and we won an award for couple of the day or when we went on our holiday trip to dubai and he told me, Mo anything you want just ask me. Maybe that’s why I was angry; No, Sad. No, Hurt. Or something in between. I don’t even know how I feel. What was all that for? What was all the adrenaline rush between us for?!

He was like my guardian angel, my muse, my brother, my everything.

But then maybe he was the same to Folarin too, maybe he told her all the sweet somethings he told me too.

I should have known indecision is a decision on its own and Ebun made that decision a long time ago. I thought he was confused, I thought he wanted to be sure, 7 years now, I stayed committed, kind of committed, fighting to make us grow. I dated people in between of course, but everybody knows my ebun, my gift was special and what I get in return is the miserly lets go and shop for an engagement ring for Folarin invite.

Ugh!

I’m so…”

 

Modele stopped.

She looked at Ruth still focused on the movie she was watching on her Macbook at the other end of the rather dark room, whose only source of light came from the screen of the two  laptops on. She looked down at the screen of her own laptop, sighed and continued.

“… tired of pretending this is cool, because I am in love with him..”

She stopped again.

She looked at everything she had typed and tears rolled down, she looked at it again and instead of proceeding, deleted everything she had written, turned off the laptop and went to the bathroom. Then she took a cold shower even though it was raining; weeping profusely, she scrubbed as though she was washing away her pain, her sorrow. This sting was too much for her. It was excruciating. She had known for over a week but there was something about this sleep that made reality dawn on her. She planned to cry it out one of these days but she really didn’t think she’d cry this much.  She was strong. At least so she thought. But look at her now, she was weak.

But how could he let them go just like that?  She still couldn’t comprehend it. She had thought about it too much before the sleep. The awakening sleep. But she’s done now. Done thinking, done with everything. Done. Whether he eventually marries Folarin doesn’t matter anymore because the fact that he thought of engaging her is enough pain. She deserves better, she deserves a husband too, she’s not sticking with that best friend nonsense, he was really her best friend but she isn’t going to stay pretending like she’s not hurt. Didn’t they say it was in order to marry your best friend?  She was fed up with the pretense. Not anymore.

So when she wore her pj’s, said goodnight to Ruth, who was still oblivious of the sorrowful phase she was in, picked up her iphone and deleted Ebun from her contact list and bbm contacts, blocked him on facebook and whatsapp and blocked his handle on her twitter and instagram, it wasn’t a surprise….

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